Changing a Father's Attitude Toward His Child

Moving back to the subject of family for now...

I don't think a lot of people realize just how important a role a father plays in his children's lives. The truth of the matter is that he plays the utmost importance in the lives of each of his children, both sons and daughters.

If you have not done so yet, I highly recommend reading my biblical article A Father and His Firstborn (http://www.endtimecog.net/articles/fatherfirstborn.html).

We are living in the years leading up to the end of this age, moving closer to the tribulation and the following reign of Christ and the saints when Christ returns to establish our Father's Kingdom on this earth. One of the KEY problems in our troubled society which will lead to Israel and Judah's punishment (as well as punishment extending on all nations) is the LACK of proper fatherly duty. If you truly want to get a better grasp on this problem, please take the time to read the aforementioned article and this link: http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/chldrndiv.htm By all means, don't stop there, either. Further your research.

FATHERS! Listen! Do not run away from your duty. You are the MOST important person in your child's life after the toddler years, especially for sons. If you are discouraged and do not know how to be a good father, GET HELP. The single best resource is none other than the bible.

I empathize with all the fathers out there who really WANT to be good fathers and want to love their children and want their children to obey, but they don't know HOW to do it. I am not here to make anyone feel awful. I UNDERSTAND. I'm here to help.

The reason I understand is that we're currently undergoing a change in our own household. My husband is disadvantaged because of the way he was reared. His mother took him at the age of around 4.5 and his brother--10 years his senior--and left their father. He would go to visit his dad in the summers, but his dad usually on the other side of the country, working. (His brother didn't go visit his father.) He usually spent most of the summer each year with his paternal grandparents. His grandpa was very important to him and had the biggest impact on him of all his family members. The problem is that his grandpa was never very loving (as in giving hugs and saying "I love you, etc.), and neither was my husband's dad. When his dad was growing up, his dad's father (my husband's grandfather) worked away most of the time. I know that my father in law didn't like his father. I don't know all the reasons why, but there was obviously something wrong there. I don't think he evaluated himself, though, too closely, if at all, to ask himself what he could do differently with his two sons. My husband said that his dad didn't play much with him and that he knows his grandpa didn't play with his dad much, either. They didn't take the time to instruct their children in the ways of God, in the ways of righteousness. As a result, that whole family is awash with serious spiritual and physical problems. It just passed on from generation to generation.

My husband told me long ago (years before we married) that his family was cursed. I thought it was a strange thing to say back then, but now I know that he spoke truthfully.

The good news is that any one person in any family can BREAK the curse. They can say, "I don't want to continue to pass on this curse. I REJECT my family's ways." They can TURN from the sin and walk in the way of righteousness. This doesn't guarantee that the person's children will make the same choices, but the likelihood of them making the right choices are far higher.

My father in law is the unhappiest and most negative person I know personally. About the only person to whom he talks is my husband, because my husband chooses to love and help his father. He'll talk to me, too, and I do love and care for him, but I do not agree with his ways and choices. He doesn't socialize with anyone else and continually puts other people down. It's just a very sad thing. Spending too much time with a person like that can lead to ruin. My husband loves his father, but every time he goes around him and then I talk to him, his dad's negativity emanates from him. It rubs off, and it rubs off quickly. :-( I hope that my fil will change his outlook before his death so that he doesn't leave behind only a bad legacy. I truly love him and want the best for him.

My husband went to live with his father with summer visits to his mother, starting when he was 12. This is when I met him. His mother had been very strict, and his father was just as permissive as she was strict (and she changed later). So, my husband's life took a big turn in the wrong direction, as he started involving himself in troublesome activities.

My husband has overcome so much on his own. He has put physical distance between him and his family, and for the most part only talks to his parents.

Everything seemed fine between him and our firstborn son for the first two or three years, but then something happened. I think a large part of the problem was that our son reached the age where the father's role becomes the most important in his life...and my husband didn't know what to do.

I teach my son daily that he's to honor his father and his mother and he is to make his father glad. The very first scripture verse I ever had him to memorize was Proverbs 10:1, and I reworded it a bit from the KJV to say: A wise son makes his father glad, but a foolish son brings grief to his mother.

A child's heart should be set toward his father, to obey him. This is repeated over and over in different ways throughout the Proverbs, which I read daily to my firstborn son (a chapter a day, the whole book once every month).

But, what happens if the father doesn't know how to be a father, and so the child's heart and actions are not fully obeying his father?

This is the problem I've been faced with for awhile and so have prayed.

A few nights ago, my husband humbled himself and asked ME of all people to help him. He said (not necessarily verbatim), "Help me. What do I do? I've started to resent William [our firstborn], and I know he sees that I prefer Trusten. How can I mend my relationship with him?" He does give more attention to our younger son (18.5 months). The problem we've had for quite some time is that William is not setting the example a firstborn should set, even though he is far less troublesome than my younger son is. Instead of setting the lead, he often acts like a baby. We've both tried time and again to get him to understand that it's not the proper way to get attention from us and that we're not impressed at all with it....all to no avail.

I asked my husband whether he wanted the TRUTH. He said, "Give it to me." I told him that he was NOT doing his job properly and that he needed to treat William better than he's been doing, because he is not nearly patient enough, and he just discourages him. He also needs to pay attention to HIM more--NOT the baby. The baby is still under my close care. He's not weaned. He doesn't talk in sentences yet. He's still a baby! Nathan needs to set an example for William and to gain his trust back and be responsible so that William will honor and respect us both properly and will set a good example--as the firstborn--for Trusten. What we have is a ROLE REVERSAL, with Will copying Trusten's actions, rather than the other way around. And it's the father's fault. But, he admitted to his problem, and he asked for help. He wanted the truth, and I gave it to him. And he has taken the steps to correct it.

And wow, I'm already seeing results. I hope this continues. I'm very proud of my husband for admitting the problem and doing something about it. He told me he has no idea how he's supposed to rear sons. But, he's learning, and he's doing! The father and son relationship is MENDING, and it's changing everything.

Fathers, uphold your responsibility to your children. If you were not instructed properly by a father, then you probably don't know how to be a good father. But, don't continue the trend. BREAK the curse. Ask someone for help. DO something. If you find yourself not liking your child, ask yourself whether YOU are the problem. And then do something about it. Change your heart (attitude) toward your child, and THEN your child's heart (attitude) toward you will change.

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged (Colossians 3:20-21).